I'm not Him: The Art of Moving On
by A Raven of Emotions
Summary: Sequel to BOTH 'I'm Not Him' and 'I'm Not Him: Twisted'. Domestic violence survivor/rose dragon!James, skater boy/dorm mate!Kendall. In response to the BTR Plot Adoption Forum Writing Challenge. Small summary: "I'll be your lover, I'll be your friend, whatever it takes just let me in..."


When you love someone, I think you have to be ready for anything. I mean, anything can happen right? You can't be prepared for everything obviously; better to be safe than sorry, though.

And I think that when you love someone, deep down as much as you dislike their flaws, their imperfections...you realize that you love them _because_ of those flaws, those imperfections. They are part of the person you love, why get rid of something that makes them them?

So when I fell in love with James Diamond, I fell in love with his flaws, his imperfections. I don't mean the flaws of his personality or looks; beauty he had inside and out, heart of gold and the face of an angel. He was everything I could ever dream of having, of ever needing in life. The day we met, was the day I knew he was someone special to me. He was someone special, different, _real_.

So what imperfections am I talking about, you're probably asking?

Well, it's not going to be easy to explain them but I will try.

I will try to explain why for love, you have to be ready for anything and everything.

_**-Page Break-**_

Another night that turns to day, another day of the school week gone.

I was laying on my bed, pajamas on and headphones in. My laptop in my lap, one hand clicking away to the next song on my homework mix while the other grazed the page of the book I was reading for my Shakespeare class. We were reading Hamlet, without a doubt one of my favorites. I appreciated Taming of The Screw, Romeo and Juliet, and Othello but something about Hamlet's famous soliloquy always attracted me. I don't know why, I guess it's just a matter of the emotion, of...the rich language.

I know, I'm weird.

But tonight, my mind was not in Hamlet. I was distracted. No, more like _worried_. I was worried about my dear boyfriend, James Diamond.

James, oh James.

'James, I hope you come and see me soon.' I bit my lower lip, closing my book and setting it down on my bedside table. I slipped out of bed and undid the window hatch; the cool night slapped my face hard, but it wasn't the type of slap to bring much pain.

In fact, it was a slap that just made me wake up more. It was almost midnight; I should be in bed, sleeping for classes tomorrow but I couldn't.

I don't want to go to bed and risk missing James. I wanted to see him, I _needed_ to see him. I always worried about him, always.

You see, James has been my best friend since we were kids. We've always been with each other, survived every bruise, cut and broken bone life has sent our way. Sometimes we won a fight, sometimes we lost a fight-life is like that sometimes-but somehow we always managed to make it.

We weren't at the end of the line, halfway there but that's good enough for me. That's all that mattered to me, that little by little he was coming back home to me.

He was coming back to me, coming back…

**Knock knock!**

"Kendall, you still up?"

'Logan!'

I bolted from the window and ran down the stairs, not caring if I risked tripping and breaking my neck. I slammed into the door before grabbing the thick, metal handle and throwing it back.

My green eyes grew wide, relief washing over me like a tidal wave.

My beautiful brunet…

James smiled shyly at me, cocking his head to the side. "Kendy, you waited up for me?" He asked. His voice was deep, rich like the black keys of a piano. Yet it was soft, gentle like an acoustic guitar too.

My heart felt like it would explode any second now, and to be honest I didn't give a damn if it did.

All that mattered, was here he was back. He was back, He was here, home with me.

We've only been separated for a week, but somehow it felt like years to me.

"James." I let out in a gasp, the smile I saved only for him pulling at my lips. He blushed under all the affection, adoration probably shining clear in my reaction, Logan smiling at both of us and rolling his eyes.

"You guys are so still in the honeymoon phase, huh?" He teased, though it was all playful. You could tell by the tone of his voice.

I shot him a mock glare, James chuckling lightly behind a thin, warm, caramel-colored hand.

"I'm happy to see him, sue me Loges."

"I would, but all three of us are paying **way** too much to go here already so nah! I'll leave you two guys to whatever you two do, night!" Logan shot me a devious grin and winked at James before turning on his heel and heading to his and Carlos's unit, which happened to be the one right next to me and James's.

A nice, serene silence followed our friend's departure, James soon breaking it though with a smile.

My stomach melted in itself; it's been a while since I've seen him smile like that, but ever since me, Carlos and Logan got him out of that toxic relationship with Jett he's been doing better.

Even though James thought he wasn't beautiful, he had no idea that every day to me he was only more and more breathtaking. He's beautiful, amazing, wonderful as he is; stitches or no stitches, I wouldn't trade him for anyone else.

Because he was everything I needed, wanted. I didn't need anyone else, point blank period.

"I missed you, Kendall." Weak tears shined in his eyes, in his mix-matched yet still alluring eyes.

His right eye was wide, expressive like a child's, and a deep hazel-green. There were bits of gold and even red in between, deep and expressive and wide.

The other eye, his left eye...it was gray and cloudy, as if paled out with bleach. The pupil didn't look black but gray, and the golden-red swirls between the hazel-green were lost entirely. His left eye was pale, watery and bleached of all color, all expression.

He couldn't see through his left eye, after the brutal blow he got from Jett. He couldn't get corrective surgery for it; he couldn't do anything to change one of the many marks that that no-good, self-absorbed asshole left on his beautiful body, his beautiful soul.

And on his beautiful heart of gold, too…

I felt myself pull him close (being mindful of the stitches, of course) and press kisses on every inch of skin I could reach. I kissed his cheeks, letting my lips linger to trace their sharp, high curves; I kissed his nose, nuzzling the soft dips with mine's; I kissed the stitches below his hypnotizing eyes, taking my time until I met the pale petals that were his lips.

Warm, soft, sweet to the taste; I didn't brush my tongue across those soft petals, in no rush to fill him with all the love and admiration I had for him. I wanted this kiss to last, to take his breath away and leave his cheeks flushed, heart racing like mine was.

I wanted him to feel how much I missed him, how I couldn't simply _be_ without him.

Every time we're apart, it feels like..._a division of the heart, of my heart._

My dreams of him, dreams at night and daydreams during class, nothing could compare to the real thing. The real James Diamond, so beautiful and wonderful and incredible and _strong_, strong above everything else.

I moved one hand to cup his face, the other running up and down his shoulder, side, arm. The stitches hidden by his white t-shirt decorated his chest, arms, wrists and shoulders in an array of vines. Prickly, hard, and black; they went up and down, criss-cross, cutting through and reconnecting miles and miles of once smooth, soft caramel-colored skin. Skin now rough, rigid and leathery.

I remember how before, he hated letting me see the stitches, the sick artwork Jett left on my dear, sweet Jamie. Before he thought I would flinch away, make faces and just be disgusted with them.

I was disgusted by them, but not because of him. I was disgusted by them because Jett left them on him, and he never did anything to deserve them.

How I wished James would let me even the score with that prick, see how he likes to be picked on and pushed to the ground…

But my James, _my_ James, was just too sweet for that. Sweet and loving and caring and...forgiving. I wish I could be like him in that aspect, be able to let something like that go.

He's my better half, I learned this a long time ago.

"Oh James, Oh God let's never be apart for so long again!" I exclaimed, probably sounding like a crazy man. James chuckled again and pulled away so our faces met, his left eye watery. It was always watery, but it seemed more so now than usual.

"Kendall, we were only apart a week." He pointed out, being the reasonable one here. I couldn't help it though, I just missed him.

School, life in general, seemed so bland without him. I didn't mind having Carlos and Logan around, they were like my brothers; the love I felt for them though was very different from the love I felt for James. They were of high importance to me, but the emotions behind both contrasted greatly.

Every time we were apart, it felt like I was walking around with half of my heart missing.

"I know, I know I sound clingy but...you try sleeping with the lights on!" I said weakly, pouting. He blushed at the look, confusion clear in his expression now along with amusement.

"Why were you sleeping with the lights on?"

"Okay I slept with my Spider-Man night-light on, not all of the lights in the dorm...but it reminds me of you! You got it for me for my birthday after all, the pretty colors makes it less lonely here. I missed you seeing you every morning, in class and at night before we went to bed.

"You could have called me." The brunet that was my world whispered softly, stroking my right cheek. I closed my eyes to savor the sensation, letting our fingers tangle into a mess of skin and bone.

"Yeah but it wouldn't be the same to me, Jamie. We talked every night before bed last week, and texted and video chatted and all but...it's not the same as being able to **be** with you. I was so worried about you, about how you'd be with your mom over fall break since she didn't know…

I stopped myself there, not wanting to bring up any bad memories of..._him_. James didn't look upset though, eyes glazed over in pain. He seemed rather composed, which made me feel happy inside.

"I know she didn't back then, but now she does. She has seen the stitches, my eye and the prosthetic leg...and she's okay with it, Kendall. I mean she's not okay I've been left like this, but she's happy that I broke it off with Jett and doing better. I'm doing great, really; my therapist said I've improved since my first few sessions, the stitches might be able to come off in a year and my eye...well I can't do much for it, but at least I still have it right? I'm okay, honey, I'm okay now." He assured me, pressing a light kiss to my right ear.

Before showing affection scared him, made him wonder if it bothered me. I can remember how his face went red, how happy he looked when I told him that every kiss, every hug, everything he gave me were the reasons why I handled life the way I did. My friends, my family and my Jamie were my motivations, my pushes to keep going.

He meant so much to me, sometimes I think it surprises him even now how much he meant to me.

"I know, I just worry. I don't want to run the risk of you getting hurt by anyone. " I said, feeling anger. Anger towards the kids on campus that would stare at me or him, make faces or point fingers when they thought we weren't looking.

Some kids on campus treated my boyfriend like a freak when he wasn't, and some knew what had happened. What happened with Jett; they had witnessed everything, yet chose to stay quiet about it. Those people I didn't give a damn about. In my opinion, someone who doesn't stand up for someone who's being abused is a coward.

A coward, I don't really mean a bad guy. But a coward: someone who knows something wrong is happening, yet chooses to say nothing because they want to exist but not really be seen, not heard.

James broke my train of thought with his beautiful smile again, this one more soft and tender than what he had for our playful banter. "You've made me stronger, Kendall. I can handle anyone and anything, as long as I have this." He held up his right hand, where a single ring rested on his ring finger.

It was a simple ring in design, a silver band with a small chain around it. James rarely took it off since I've given to him for his birthday a year ago, well maybe except when in the shower. Of all the jewelry he wore, this piece was one he never changed for another.

It always made me stomach twist into knots to know he always wore it. It just touched me; he didn't wear it for the material value, it wasn't gold or engraved or anything. But he wore it for the sentimental value; this was the ring I gave _him_, something for his birthday.

What he said next was the icing on the cake. It was what I told him when I first gave him the ring. He quoted me; every word, he had it down as if it was the engraving.

"'The chain means something, Jamie. It means strength, loyalty and faith. Strength: what Jett did to you, yeah it hurts but it will only make you stronger. And also...because I'm here. I won't let you fall apart, you can lean on me forever if you need to and I'll be here. Loyalty: you were always there for me, and always had my back. People talk, gossip goes but you always trusted me, believed in me. From that I know that you'll always be there, and that you are one of the few people I can be myself with. And faith: I want you to have faith in me, that I'll make everything better. I'll do whatever it takes to help you heal, but you're going to have faith in me. You can walk away from that pain inside, James. I'm not asking you do it alone because I'm here for you, I love you and I'll show you what TRUE love really is. I'll show you how to love again; I'll be your best friend, your boyfriend, whatever you want me to be and I'll do it all for you. Everything I will do from here on out will be for you, James. But I'm not him, I'm not him and I hope you'll let me do what he didn't do: love you the right way, appreciate and protect you…'"

He said this all in one breath, eyes closed the entire time. Tears streamed down his cheeks, but the smile on his lips was everything but sad.

"I hoped I got every word down to memory, but Kendy remember that? As long as I have this ring, and remember what you said to me that day...then nothing can hurt me. You don't care that Jett left me like this; why should I when you look past the bad eye, the prosthetic leg and stitches and see the **real** me? These bruises don't define me, these scars. In fact nothing but what **you, Carlos, Logan, and my mom** see of me are what define me. You said to leave all the pain behind, walk away and live my life like I want to. He can't take that away from me, it's **my** life and...a-and you're not him. You're not him, Kendall." James threw his arms over my shoulders, hugging me close and burying his face into my neck.

My lips grazed the side of his own swan neck, eyes closed too as we just stood there. Stood there and enjoyed the moment. We didn't care if people passed by and stared at us funny; what they thought of us didn't matter to me.

What did matter to me was having my heart back, back as a whole. Because when we were together, _that _was when my heart was complete again.

Complete. Whole. Alive.

"I love you, James." I whispered, breathing in the sweet scent of his skin.

_**-Page Break-**_

"Well, good to see the room is still intact. " James poked fun at me as we were now back in our room, sitting on my (_our_) bed. Even though we were roommates and there were two beds, we shared mine. He was able to sleep better with me than alone.

He's so cute and adorable…

I stuck my tongue out at him, only pretending to be insulted as I watched him switch on his laptop. "In my defense, Logan and Carlos slept over most of the break. I couldn't take being in this big, echoey unit on my own, no way!"

He grinned mischievously at me, white teeth dazzling as ever. "Nice to know I was missed then!" He picked up the teddy bear I won him at a carnival and pressed its big, shiny marble nose against his.

I wrapped an arm loosely around his waist, resting my chin on his shoulder. "Yes, yes you were." My tone was softer at this, lighter and gentler. His cheeks were stained with red at the immense adoration he sensed in my voice, his pulse racing under his warm skin.

I loved hearing that pulse, hearing his heart beat. It served as reminder that he was _here_, that Jett hadn't won. That James was alive, doing well and with his friends, the people who loved him.

That heart beating, as long as it was going nothing in the world could break me.

"I missed you too, sometimes I found myself wondering if I could be with Mom without breaking down over missing you. This is the first time in a while that we've been apart so, I didn't know what to expect." He admitted, biting the pale, smooth flesh of his lower lip.

I cupped his face with my free hand and pressed a chaste kiss to his mouth, pulling away only slightly so that our lips could still brush with every breath we took. "Tell me how it went." I whispered, gently rubbing at the faded tear tracks still glistening against his cheeks.

"Mom and I didn't go out much; she had work and I didn't want to get behind in our classes, but when we did we'd go to the park. You know the one we use to go to as kids? Yeah, that very one and we'd skip rocks across the pond or bring books with us to read on old beach chairs. She worked but made sure I was never alone for too long; she'd call while at work, take me out to lunch and just tell me about her day,

"Sounds nice, Jamie. It felt good to be back home, huh? To be in your own bed, wake up not in a drafty dorm room?" He snickered at this, holding Mr. Stuffles closer to his chest.

"Yeah, at least the AC and heat were working back at home. But it was nice. She didn't really like to bring up Jett, even when it just came up at random. She took me to my physical therapist, to know how well I'm doing. And while at home, we'd watch the music channel or news on the couch, hot chocolate or tea and sit and enjoy the silence, and laugh at the videos we saw. She treated me like...like I was hoping she would: her son, not hurt or bruised. Just as James, her son: happy and okay.

"I knew she'd do you some good. Me and Carlos and Logan are always here for you, Jamie, you know that but sometimes you need a parent or parental figure to make things a bit easier."

"Yeah, you were right. As much as it scared me to spend time with her like this...I realized how much I missed her. You were right, I was homesick. I just didn't know how to go about it, you know? She seeing me like this, oh Kendall sometimes I think she still feels pain about it. That she feels like she's let me down, didn't protect me enough but I'm nineteen."

"Nineteen or not, you'll always be her little baby boy. Mama Diamond loves you, James. She loves you a lot, and I think...that's a normal reaction: guilt, shame, even though none of this was her fault, or yours, somehow there's always that feeling of responsibility."

"Yeah but I wish she didn't feel that way. I was the one who dated Jett, the one who didn't leave until almost dead the relationship. I was the one who…"

I pressed a finger to his lips, gently shushing him. "Don't, please. Don't blame yourself, baby."

Tears streamed down his cheeks again, wiping at them with the hand not clutching Mr. Stuffles like a vice.

"I'm s-s-sorry, I-" But I didn't let him finish.

Instead I kissed him.

He let out a surprised choke, clearly not expecting this but soon he melted against me. He dropped Mr. Stuffles into his lap and gripped at my plain gray t-shirt. I made sure not to press against his sides as I held him close, hoping this kiss poured every inch of love, adoration, admiration and awe I felt from me to him.

He shivered against me, his heart now out of control. I felt his wings suddenly sprout from the small of his back. He gasped, looking embarrassed that he had let this slip of control go so far.

But I liked his wings. I'd always draw them but could never capture their elegance, beauty and vitality on paper. Large, majestic and lovely due to the black-and-dark pink coloration. They were thin, leathery but still had curved, shiny feathers like those of an angel. Except the feathers felt, smelled, and looked more like rose petals, thousands and thousands of pretty, fresh rose petals.

Reds. Pinks. Whites. Yellows. A rainbow all his own, so innocent and pure and...and…

"Beautiful." I mumbled against his trembling lips. He gasped again and pulled away, face red as a tomato with a hand over his mouth.

"I-I-Eh!-I.." His tics showed up more when he was nervous, shy.

I smiled though, embracing the fragile, beautiful rose dragon close and rocking him back and forth, "Oh baby, no need to get so shy. You are beautiful, very beautiful. I just thought to let you know of that, my beautiful, sweet, adorable Jamie…"

"I...Eh!-I…" He at a loss for words, looking so much like a scared, baffled child.

I tightened my hold around him, smiling when I saw the gem around his neck beginning to glow. This time the glow was brighter, stronger and a more vibrant green.

"I love you." I said.

His shaking began to relax, breathing going back to normal. He cocked his head up from under my chin, lips parted and eyes temporarily wide...until they softened and shifted from a smoldering golden-green to a warm hazel-red.

"I-I love you, too." He said in a soft breath, a smile splitting his face wide. He began laughing, tears now of relief, of joy while I joined wholeheartedly. His hands moved to my neck, mine securely around his waist.

"S-so-emph! Umm...Sherlock?" He asked, meeting my eyes. I smirked, catching on.

"No, I'm your Watson. So Watson?"

"And Sherlock." He answered, tongue between his teeth. I removed one hand from his waist and curved it slightly, he doing the same.

Our fingertips met in the shape of a heart.

"Sherlock and Watson?"

"Sherlock and Watson."

So, have you figured out the imperfections I mentioned earlier? Yeah, that's it. I wasn't talking about James's imperfections, but the ones he was left with by Jett. They'll be here for a while, and even though we both struggle with the marks he's been left with...I love them. I love them, because they are a part of him. Ugly and painful they are, but they don't make _James_ ugly in the slightest. No, they show that he was strong, strong and very brave and capable of doing one of the many things I hope to teach him. Not the art of prankery, though I'm hoping to teach him that too one day, or the art of drawing.

But the art of moving on.

And I think little by little, every day...I'm making moving on a bit easier for him.

Because I'm not him, I'm not Jett.

And I'll never be like him. I'll love James, protect and cherish him like he deserve to be.

I'm not him.

And I'll spend the rest of my life proving that until James believes it, too.

I'm not him, and however he hurt him...I won't let him do it again.

* * *

><p>I know I already wrote something for my challenge...but this was born and I just couldn't let go by! So here's another piece from Raven! Hope everyone gives a read, tell me what you think and make-over my week with some wonderful stories of your own! Let's keep this fandom alive, come on we can do it! See you beautiful people all in the next act, peace and love! :) <strong>Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! All I own is the plot of this one-shot and the idea of a rose dragon! :)<strong>


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